“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
scrabbled eggs
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..