I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Worth a try
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?