Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
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Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Story of my life…..
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.