My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
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Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba