don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
You Might Also Like
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Finally!
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is