*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
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five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
not to brag, but mine was free
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.