Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
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I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
This January has 47 Mondays
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you