Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
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DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If snakes were wide
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
taking June’s advice to heart
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?