4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that