boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
So inspired right now.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!