Ice skating is like walking in cursive
You Might Also Like
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho