Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
They got a point!
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
🤣🤣🤣🤣