At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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Hero horse inspires millions
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
who wants to go expliring
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.