*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
did it work
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.