Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.