ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Yoga Matt
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH