Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day