Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
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a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS