The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
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Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Succinctly put.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
screw you
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.