[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.