I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
*puts words between two asterisks*
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I have a type: disappointing
Morning.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit