Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
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Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Woke up against my better judgement again
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.