I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
You Might Also Like
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
seems like a niche market
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.