Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
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I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I just stopped by to water my horse.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.