“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
You Might Also Like
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.