[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
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My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.