yea so i messed up lol
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi