1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
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Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
There’s never enough good news
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
12. I think about this all the damn time
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?