people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
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Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.