roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
This was the best day of my life
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
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