I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
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Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
This has made my week.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.