my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
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I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
When you don’t understand how floors work
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…