Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
where do you see yourself in five years?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
The Backseat Boys
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life