At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
You Might Also Like
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.