Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
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doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
😂😂😂
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about