pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”