a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit