I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Mood.. 😂
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?