Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
You Might Also Like
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
The answer is funnier than the question
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
i love meeting boys on tinder
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.