20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.