Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
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I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
*3.5 thank you very much.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito