Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
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My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I just tested negative for patience.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
i wish we could shoplift online
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there