baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
My Sentiments Exactly
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr