CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
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Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”