well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.