Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
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ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
peeping toms
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.