My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
You Might Also Like
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
motivation
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”