How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
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ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I’m being attacked 😭
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.