If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
sugar glider wrangler
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
And now we wait
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe