Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
You Might Also Like
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.